You are viewing [info]my_dirty_truths's journal

Everything i can think of or whats in my head i shud say.   
02:02pm 23/04/2006
 
mood: confused
evething i can think of to say but all in short i dont wanna be writing a essay now do i? :p

hmm well lets start with easter :)
well at easter i spent all my time with rich and it was amazing as always
we went to bars, walks and more walks, watched films, snuggled
and everything i need from him was done and i love
plus i fed the chickens *proud of herself*
i had so much fun when im at richards
i love it so much, i lvoe his family i love him so much
well thats easter
oh wait i went to his grandparents which was gud too coz
i saw idiots dress up
was funny.

after easter.
well hmm i went back to college was very depressed and everything coz i miss so much
and i dont get to talk to people like i used to
it was shit
and i had to do coursework
which iwas hard and that i cudnt do very well
it was crap
i bunked on friday coz i cudnt handle being alone any more
hmm.. college is shit and i hate it
it jsut shows me im alone
and i have no friends where i live
why can i move to hudds
atleas tther ei got rich there
with ez and other random hudds people i no
hmm i love the north so much
it makes me feel at home and so safe
i feel safe there.
i dont feel safe in london.
i get scared about goin out in london.
i hate it here.
take me away...
please?

well anwyays then it brings me to the fight with rich
which i wont go in too
it was abit terrible and i hated it
and i hate fightin with him
and i no its all my fault
and im the moody one
its probally coz im jealous that he can have a gud time without me
and i cant have a gud time without him
coz my life is pointless with out him
i cant go out without him
even tho im never invited out any more coz i dont see my ''friends'' any more
i feel so much like a outcast.
i dont no wot to do any more i jsut wanna be held and told everything will be fine
and i jsut want to feel like i belong
well i do feel like i belong in huddersfield but
i cant be there
i jsut wanna belong here..
even if its jsut for a yr till i go to uni
i just want to have sumone to talk to and hang around with while rich and me are apart
its so annoying to have no one.
yes i have sum friends
like ryan, fleabs and donna
but ryan works far away so i dont get to see him offen and the same with fleabs
and with donna its difficult coz she cant come out coz of issues
i love thhem all dearly i have people i talk to at sachool but i dont spend time with them like that
coz i no they fine me annoying
i lvoe richard
why cant it be easy?
why cant i live with him?
why cant i jsut be with him all the time
it wud make life so much mroe easier
coz rich is my best friend
and my boyfriend and my soulmate
and even tho we have stupid fights it doesnt matter coz they are not proper fights
they are jsut teasing fights
and play fights
nothing bad
i love him and i no he would give up anything to be with me
which makes me melt because i would do the same for him
i love him so much and i hope he knows hes my world and will always be my world.

i talk so much crap im sorry
everything in my head is spinning
i just want to have friends..
be able to hang out
talk to people
be invited to places
but the thing is i dont feel confident without rich.
i need him by me all the time

*sigh* sorry for my rant.		  
     Read 1 - Post
 
Problem.   
09:30pm 23/03/2006
 
mood: jealous

I have a real problem with jealousy.

1. People like my boyfriend.
2. people saying hes hot.
3. him goin out without me.
4. Keith.
5. How mum spends time with Keith and not her own daughter.

and much more which i dont go in to.

haha maybe i shudnt have anyone in my life, maybe i wudnt get jealous then eh?
  
     Post
 
Calmer then yesterday   
06:46pm 18/03/2006
 
mood: calm
yesterday
i was in a state of depression and really upset
and really hurt
and i dont no wot came over me
today i feel much better and much happier and i think things are clearer in my head now.
i love rich with all my heart
and im a jealous bitch and i want him to myself and i dont
want no one else to take u away from me
i am so obessive and i dont like it when girls look at u inless im with u
coz i feel scared im gunna lose you rich.
i really am
i love you so much
and i will miss u like hell when im in NYC.
ill get you a pressie.
and i hope u no i adore you xxx
  
     Post
 
Fucked.   
09:26pm 17/03/2006
 
mood: depressed
god ive done it again..made myself in a state in which i cant get out of. i wish i was dead. i wish i would never wake up. i hate myself. my life everything about it. why cant i jsut go. no one wud notice, no one would care.
wot wud be the big problem if i just went?
i think maybe i deserve to have all thing things that ever happend to me in my life to happen
maybe i just make trouble
maybe its my fault people get hrut around me
actually no maybes.. it is my fault.
richard cud do so much better without me if i died he could get on with his life and have sumone perfect for him.
im jsut controling
and a loser.
all i do is hurt people and myself. i cant do this any more i just want to go and not be here but i cant do that to my mum after loosin my nan and granda shes onyl got me and my sister.
i jsut wish i cud go and never come back
i want to hrut myself really badly
u no wot i need?
a hug.
just sumthing simple like that a hug.. or for richard to stay at home and speak to me properly for once. and make it all better
but hes gone.
gone out.
leavin me for me being so shit.
so wots the point in me livin any more?
this tears burn my face and sting. but wots the point in living? wot thes point in tryin to be happy when im hurtin so much.
i just need attention from sumone who loves me.. but i dont get it.
not properly that is. i dont get long convos when im in tears
when im crying infront of my mum wantin to be held shes cries and it becomes so much more worse then it was.
when im in tears to rich or tell him im in tears i dont always feel like he believes me and he doesnt always no wot to do.
i wish he would understand how much he means to me and how much i love him and how much i never mena to hurt him or confuse him
or make him do thing she doesnt want to do
like today i gave up goin to nocomply so i could talk to him and make him happy before i go to nyc.
but he left me and went out even after me had a fight and i was in such a state or tears and depression but he still went out
and i suppose from his point of view he never goes and shud be allowed it wasnt that hes not allowed
he cna do wot he wants i jsut wanted him to myself just this night
so i make sure he will be alright next week and tell him how much im gunna miss him and makesure hes happy and ok.
but he went out and left me in a state of confusion and depression to go drink with sum friends from work
but i jsut wanted to talk to him before i went to NYC... this was my last chance to have him to myself for the night.
i suppose i do ask to much and i am a shit girlfriend maybe he would be better off without me in his life and maybe every1 else too..
maybe.. just maybe it would be the best idea if i packed up my bags and left home..or died.. but i dont have the guts to kill myself but running away sounds like a gud idea means i wudnt bother anyone and they will all be away of my dtupid depression and attention seeking.
i wish i would just not be here any more. no one wud even notice. and richard could have a happy lfie with sum pretty, skinny girl who he would love more then me coz she would be amazing and perfect and me.. well i would be in hell for all the trouble ive caused since ive been alive.
sumthing must be wrong with me if all this bad things have have ever happend to me happend, yeah, i deserved wot my dad did to me, wot them two guys did to me (but grace didnt of course) and i deserved all the time ive been mugged and followed and stalked and all the other horrible things that ever happend to me yes.
i did deserve it.
i deserve all i got...in this stupid life... yes.
i probally deserve alot me.

im sorry for the rambling on ive just done. and if u have got this far then sorry to put u threw that.

A tearful goodbye from me.
x
  
     Post
 
R.J.T.   
10:24pm 24/02/2006
  Dear Richard,
thank you for always being there for me
and helping me sort out things
and think u for holding together
i wish i cud be with u now
so this wudnt be happening to me
and i could be in ur arms knowing im safe from all this shit
i lvoe you so much and i no u love me so much also
i cant wait to be with u again i need ur arms around me i need ur lips pressed up to mine
i need ur body holding mine while i cry about stupid things
but u dont care about the stupid things ive done or the stupid thing si cry about
u jsut care about me and how i am
and i lvoe u for that
thank u so much
for holding me together
i need u and i love u so much
and i wanna be with u forever
never leave me please
i wud be a mess without u

i love you forever

your kitten
xxxxxxxxx		  
     Post
 
Mother and Sister.   
10:15pm 24/02/2006
 
mood: crushed
Dear Mum and Helene,
u fucking dont understand how much u hurt me
you no wot? u dont fucking give me any love any mroe
nothing.
i just feel so hurt and angry right now.
i just wanted to spend time with you two one night to go out or sumthing jsut us three
how bad can that be~?
how hard can that be?
it cant be
its jsut ur youngest daughter and ur oldest having a meal together or watching a film
anything
i dont care
i just wanted to spend time with u two for once
just you TWO..
no other twats like keith.
dont u understand he is just makin out all this shit
he dont need to fucking come
why does he need to come?
one night that u both promised to me
ONE FUCKING NIGHT!
and u cant even do that? dont u think that hurts me?
then u try and make me feel fucking bad for wantin the lvoe from ym sister and my mum
all i fucking need was sum love and attention for one night
is that so much to fucking ask!
why cant i be with u both for one night after nan died?
why cant i
why cant it jsut be us
why invite the bastard?
i fucking hate him
he has made my relationship with u guys so fucking hard
it was already so hard now its like im not even alive!
i cant fucking believe u helene saying u wont go out for a meal with me and mum if he doesnt come
i fucking hate him
i fucking HATE HIM
FUCKKING HATE THAT BASTARD!

From ur daughter..

u remember the one who is crying over u both emotionally black mailing her
u remember the one u call selfish for wantin u both for one night
u remember me.. the one u fucking gave birth too
u remember me.. the one u should fucking love

you remember me.
right?		  
     Post
 
Nan.   
11:03pm 26/01/2006
 
mood: crushed
Goodbye Nanna

Thank you for looking after me,
for all the things u bough me,
for all the dinners u cooked me,
for all the times u made me laugh,
for all the times we talked,
for all the things u gave me,
for all the happiness u brought me.

Thank you for being my nan

Ill miss u
but now ur with grandad
the way it was always ment to be.


Love your grand daughter

Emine
xxxx		  
     Post
 
Goodbye.   
06:24pm 26/01/2006
 
mood: worried
My nan
is dying.
i got a call from my mum..
she said that the doctors say my
nan wont live the weekend.
her stomach has split in to two.
her kidneys are dying fast and
she lungs are full of muck.
...
the scary thing is
i saw her yesterday
and she was ill but
fine
...
its such a shock..

...		  
     Post
 
The only thing Worth smiling about today is..   
03:05pm 25/01/2006
 
mood: sad

RICH


he is the only person makin me smile atm
and hes at work now
so not feeling to brilliant without him
atleast he loves everything about me
and i dont feel depressed with him



rich i need you
  
     Post
 
Tuesday blues.   
06:58pm 24/01/2006
 
mood: scared
College depresses me..
thats it really :S
i dont enjoy it
i dont like it.
i dont like the people there coz they are shitty and chavvy
i dont like being a outcast with all my friends.
i hate college
and i cant wait for the weekend it seems so far away.
plus my nans back in hospital and really ill even the
doctor said so.		  
     Post
 
Sunday and Monday   
06:47pm 24/01/2006
 
mood: crazy
Righto here we go again :D

Sunday
hehe me and richie went to town and stuffies as always it was gud and then we got back and had a lovely dinner at richies and stuff and it was like yummy and we had ice cream and it was the sex the ice cream was sooo yummy and me and rich got it before dinner and stuff and got lots of free stuff with it.
its the best ice cream ever and i will be gettin sum more this weekend coming haha
anyways we went to see a film after and we got popcorn, sweets and drinks haha even though we was still very full after that brilliant dinner :D
anyways we went to see underworld.
it normally isnt my type of film but i fucking loved it
it was brilliant me and richie was jumpin and of cours eiw as scared but it was brilliant
it was a 18 and i didnt think it should of been till the end.
and bloody hell the sex in it is crazy lol it all like naked and booobies and the man hasnt got a willeh
richie thinks he got it between his legs haha
but it was brillliant anyways we got back about 12ish and had a convo with his daddy (his daddy is uber cool like his mummy and sister)
anyways when we went to bed and ended up cuddled up to each other coz it was cold and falling to sleep :)

Monday
Well monday hehe i got rudely woken up by mu fuzzy ball coz he had to
go to uni and leave me by msyelf at his hehe
so anyways he got up and went to uni and
i got up after he left and had a shwoer and got ready :) and
was talkin to tal..(ez's boyfriend)
all morning. it was ok though.
anyways richies daddy (jon) took me to town to meet richie after uni which was
lovely of him and im very
greatful for him takin me
anyways i met rich and put all my stuff in his car coz after town he was gunna drive me to leeds to go home
anyways we went to town and i snapped at him and im not to sure why
but i do it offen i think
its coz i dont get slightly angry
i jsut get really mad its abit stupid but anyways im sorry for being a cow and im tryin to change that :)
i didnt even need tog et mad god im crazy
anyways i got my 2nd tattoo done it was the worst pain in my life but it was okies :)
anyways i got it done then had lunch hehe and richie payed the sweetheart that he is :)
then we went to richies mummies (anggie) worky and showed her my tattoo and she likes it
hehe anyways
then he took me to leed and i came home
the end haha :p


:)		  
     Post
 
Richards House   
10:15am 22/01/2006
 
mood: loved
Friday
Right i got here on friday after egttin my hair cut and stuff and then i got coach up here and it took ages to get here like fucking hours
and i was stuck with ltos of fucking rude boys
who was smokin in the toilets like freaks and it was so shit
not jsut was the peopleon there shit my arse
was so numb and i cudnt feel anything how shit is that?
anyways i had kim txting me and of course richie bum so i wasnt too bored but i will never do that again
coz it was so shit lol and i think eve if its cheap i rather pay full price to get here on train
then bloody shitty coach anyways now thats the rest of friday done.

Saturday
Right on saturday i didnt do much i jsut went for a big brekkie at the gartden center and it was yummy me and rich came back and then he had to go to workie for 4 hours and during them long
5 hours (one extra hour for his travel there and back)
i read mags and talked to his sister esme (shes ace) and her boyfriend tal it was cool then they went to do
daisy (esmes horsey) hehe and i watched telly and sutff coz im bufflike that haha
then rich came back and erm.. we had tea and watched sin city which ifell asleep during coz i am like that hahah anyways..
we got to bed about 12ish

Sunday
(today)
Well today we are goin out to town and then to see a film then goin out for dinner just me and him :D
and well we jsut got ready and stuff and now we are going out
more later folks xxxx


ps Love u bum fluff xx
  
     Post
 
Stuff i got today.   
04:17pm 20/01/2006
 
mood: good


STUFF

1) New blue french knickers with red bows.
2) Two pairs of cool socks for richard
3) Hair wax that is brilliant and cost me a arm and a LEG
4) Chocolate for richie and his sister :)
5) A new purse from HM and its spotty :D
6) CREDIT


Love you xxx

  
     Post
 
Today in a list   
04:16pm 20/01/2006
 
Well..
1. Go to school for english lessons
2. Txt alot.
3. Go to oxford street and bough richie sum cool socks
4. went to get sum nice underwear and a purse. they are brilliant.
5. went to mums workie and had lunch.. wasnt nice but got to spend time with the parent :D
6. got my hair cut abit too short now i look like a dyke oh well.
7. went abit mroe shoppin got more money out now i got £100 on my card
8. i got rich sum chocolate lvoe hearts :)
9. got back to mums workie
10. came online.
Stuff that havent been done yet but will be time i leave mums workie.
11. Get on coach to see richie
12. get there and get lots of cuddles and kisses and hot sex of course (haha) :p
13. watch sin city maybe
14. Fall to sleep in his arms

THE END OF A BUSY DAY


ps. Love u richie fluff xxx
  
     Post
 
Richie   
07:10pm 19/01/2006
 
mood: loved
I love him so much..
its abit scary to feel this strong about sumone because its so new
but im actually loving it so much
i love wakin up with him..
i love kissing him.
i love his cute chin
i love everything about him hehe
he always gets in to my bed because he is naughty like that hehe
he is soo amazing
and he always makes me happy and cheers me up
i want to be with him forever
and hes soooo purttttttty :D

hehe

Rich i love you bubbykins		  
     Post
 
God.. The first one in ages.   
06:57pm 19/01/2006
 
mood: blah
i used to have a live journal ages ago..
but then i kinda left it
and well that was about it really...

well wots happening in my life right now.. well erm..

i got a gorgeous boyfriend who i love to bits..
i got school which isnt that brilliant any more used to be alright but its abit crap now coz i jsut dont feel very happy there and that shit :S erm

my life at home is ok part from my crazy nan saying she is always il and makin my mum go there every night after work to cool her a meal coz shes a crazy bitch who i dont like very much any more.
and she tried to talk about sex to me..
how sick is that? :s

well erm.. my next door neighbours suck but mroe on them later

Lou.
  
     Post
 
  my_dirty_truths